I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
