I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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