yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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