he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
