you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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