My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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