As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I need to calm my uterus...
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
