Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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