If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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