Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
