good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I feel like death gave me a hand job
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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