I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
