I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
