Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
