If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
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