mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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