My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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