I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
