I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
