I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
