my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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