I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
even my farts smell like vagina
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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