you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
