Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
