i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
