we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
