I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
