I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Randomize
