I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
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