im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
