I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
