Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
