the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
