i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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