i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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