did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize