Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
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