Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
