Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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