I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
