apparently the secret to your success is patron
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
