1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
