he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
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