Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
