As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
