just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
