oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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