you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
