Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
