I'm going to jail i love you
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
