Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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