I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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