there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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