Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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