It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
