I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Randomize