he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
